Register Monday | September 24 | 2018

Things Left Out of My Resume

Gladly let the bastards keep me down

EXPERIENCE

Assistant Director, Writing Program
Washington University, St. Louis, MO
August 1998-1999
- Nodded, wrote something down.
- Located source of smell.

Carpenter
Blue Raven Construction Co.
June 1995 - October 1995
- Saw enraged monk defecate on sand mandala.
- Fired for telling boss that everything about him was biodegradable, except for his penile implant.

Legal Assistant 
U.S. Justice Department
January 1994 - January 1995
- Reached level two of Soul Blade. Found that I preferred Voldos bladed finger spin-and-lift maneuver to Rocks war-axe lunge.
- Discovered that as ambition shrinks, time available for reading expands.
- Gladly let the bastards keep me down.

Intern
White House Office of Legislative Affairs
September 1993 - December 1993
- Invented West Wing Bingo, in which interns earn bingo chips for sightings of George Stephanopolous, David Gergen, Socks, Chelsea, Clinton, Gore, etc.
- Got Secret Service agents in the habit of referring to David Gergen as "Fetid Merkin".
- No. But I think I could have.

Senate Intern
Senator Max Baucus (D-MT)
June 1993 - August 1993
- Took phone messages from constituent who identified himself as Gary.
- Overheard Senator trying to make small talk with an employee by saying, "So, Dave, I see you have an orange on your desk."

Advertising Coordinator
Mike Sullivans Wyoming Gubernatorial Campaign
May 1995 - October 1995
- Drove Governor to radio and television stations in dad's 1982 Suburban.
- Lost virginity in the back of same Suburban (to girlfriend, not governor).

EDUCATION

A.B. in History and Political Science
Stanford University
June 1993
- Graduated without reading Plato, Aquinas, Boethius or Nietzsche.
- Read Chinua Achebe.
- Girlfriend ran off with CEO of Sun Microsystems, inadvertently relieving my devastation two years later by naming her children Maverick and Dakota.

M.F.A. in Creative Writing
Washington University in St. Louis
May 1998
- Dressed up like Gertrude Stein, recited rap poem "Alice B. Got a Big Old B".
- My characters frequently lacked pathos, dimension, hope, pants.

Central High School
Cheyenne, WY
June 1989
- The tight jeans. The mesh tank top. The oversized college sticker on the rear window of my K car. The belief that everything would work out to my advantage. What an asshole.

Hobbs Kindergarten
Cheyenne, WY
June 1975
- Left for first grade with a Green Machine, an "S" average and a handful of self-esteem-building Scratch'n Sniffs.
- Learned everything I needed to know about life - namely, girls secretly like having kickballs thrown at their heads and being called "Minnesota Flats".

ADDITIONAL

- Find most jobs to be boring, boring, boring.
- Once planned to promote hammock-use in the workplace by founding NAPTA, National Association to Promote Time Asleep.
- Steamrooms full of old, naked men make me think of communism.
- Believe spandex enhances athletic performance.
- Can type.