Register Saturday | June 15 | 2019

Written Apologies to the People I Offended on the Road Trips of my Youth

Second-place finalist in Maisonneuve’s "Are we having fun yet?" literary contest

Dear Gas-Station Attendant,

I'm sorry that I made fun of you for being forty and working at a gas station on November 11, 1991. I was only eight and I didn't know about the accident you had suffered while working construction three years prior. I didn't understand the repercussions of such an incident on your cognitive capacity. I'm sorry I laughed at you when you drooled on your sleeve, and I'm sorry I likened you to my then infant sister. However, I think we can both admit that spitting at me was not the most reasonable reaction to my comments. Perhaps we both had some growing up to do; however, for my part in the debacle, I'm truly sorry.

Sincerely,

Alex Kitz

 

Dear Woman at the Pie Stand on Highway 91,

I'm sorry I joked that you were all alone because you ate your whole family on November 9, 1993. I didn't realize that you suffered from diabetes mellitus, which resulted in massive weight gain during your teens. I also didn't know that it was because of this weight gain that you never found a husband and that you resorted to selling pies on the side of the highway all by yourself. My actions were deplorable and I see now that throwing scraps from my Happy Meal as we drove away was not a harmless jest but in fact a cruel gesture. For all of this, I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Alex Kitz

 

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry that on February 19, 2002, I told your new girlfriend that you had already slept with her sister. I didn't know you had. I wasn't thinking and I thought it would be funny. I see now that it was not. I also apologize for saying it on day two of our cross-Canada drive. We'll see those prairies one day, Pop. Anyways, I'm sorry things didn't work with Deborah. That was my bad and I apologize.

Sincerely,

Alex

 

Dear Deborah,

I'm sorry I guessed that my dad slept with your sister on February 19, 2002. I mean really, what were the odds? I'm also sorry I swapped your pills with my Pez on the first day of the road trip; I didn't know they were for your seizures. I admit now, after these years of reflection, that it was a little much, but I was thirteen and didn't know better. Either way, I know you're forgiving me from up there in heaven ... or wherever you ended up.

Sincerely,

Alex Kitz

 

Dear Liberal-Arts Student,

I'm sorry I told you, on June 7, 2004, that all Communist students are whiney, deplorable human beings, whom I would gladly send to sit down for tea with Stalin and Mao. It's just that when you started regurgitating thoughtless left-wing rhetoric, my mind went blank except for the outward pumping of my fist and the warm spray of blood from the passenger seat. We were both adults and there was really no excuse for my actions. So I'm sorry I berated you by pointing out that further polarization of national politics will ultimately lead to a standoff, which will ruin the country forever. I'm also sorry I threw you out of the car and stole your iPod. I should have at least stopped first. I'd take it all back a million times over, if I could.

Sincerely,

Alex Kitz

 

Dear Drunken Frat Kid,

I'm sorry I ran a red light on April 21, 2005 and slammed into you with my mom's Taurus. Kind of.

Sincerely,

Alex Kitz