Just How Evil Are You?

Maisonneuve's astrologist uncovers your nasty side

By Lisa Renton May 13, 2005

ARIES
Evil Rating:
High
No matter what the situation, an angry Aries is evil. Very few of them suffer from guilt, which means their tantrums are not mitigated by consequence—picture Groundhog Day with no discernable sense of humour. Words will roar with unchecked venom, and watch out for flying plates!
Redeeming Quality: If you drive them to a pretty meadow, they’ll play like joyous four-year-olds.

TAURUS
Evil Rating:
Medium
Talking to a Taurus who’s convinced of his or her own righteousness is like fighting a drunken peacock. Proud, righteous and vicious, he or she will not give it up. Worse, after consulting the Internet to confirm his or her correctness, he or she will strut. Bastard/Bitch.
Redeeming Quality: If you’re a good sport about their attitude, they’ll cover the cost of your ticket on movie night.

GEMINI
Evil Rating:
Low
A Gemini is an anxious character that needs to analyze and discuss situations to death. Mix these properties with a coffee-shop date and you’ll have one talker ready to go … all … afternoon. Do your best to sneak him or her some decaf.
Redeeming Quality: Can launch a blindingly witty offence against losers that hit on you at bars.

CANCER
Evil Rating:
Medium
Being involved with a Cancer means being anchored to his or her personal wellness. You will be continually called upon to confirm affection in verbal, physical, emotional and monetary terms. Best to maintain the constancy of your love, lest you be walloped with a sullen tirade of “poor me” by the deeply offended Cancer.
Redeeming Quality: They buy kick-ass gifts.

LEO
Evil Rating:
High
Leos tend to ignore social niceties and will stop at nothing to direct attention back to themselves. They are poison at parties and in the office. But don’t blame them; they move in a universe of one. Plus, if they get angry enough, we could all be wiped out.
Redeeming Quality: The praise of a Leo is like sitting in a sunbeam.

VIRGO
Evil Rating:
Medium
Being close with a Virgo islike going on a long date with your nana. He or she’ll want youperfect: fixing your hair, correcting your posture and delinting yoursweater. He or she will even stoop to “do it like this” motions.Intolerable.
Redeeming Quality: They’ll build you a perfect bookcase while you lean back and only pretend to help.

LIBRA
Evil Rating:
Low
Libras have diplomacy engrained so deeply that they are incapable of evil. But this trait can come back to haunt them—for instance, when trying to end a relationship. Incapable of rejecting someone outright, a Libra-initiated breakup is the emotional equivalent of slowly removing a large Band-Aid from the hairiest, most sensitive, patch of flesh the human body has to offer.
Redeeming Quality: They’ll chill with grandpa on Christmas Day, when no one else has the patience.

SCORPIO
Evil Rating:
High
If you ever beat a Scorpio at anything, the game is not over. Unbeknownst to you, the competition will continue until (a) he or she is thoroughly the winner and you are a wilted shadow of your former self, or (b) he or she is dead.
Redeeming Quality: Gives no-holds-barred business advice.

SAGITTARIUS
Evil Rating:
Medium
Imagine being in mid-hangover; nausea, violent headaches and gulfs of self-loathing are accompanied by a Sagittarian’s off-colour humour about your appearance and a long tirade about his or her “breakfast cure.”
Redeeming Quality: When you break up with someone, Sag will take you out for a Jägermeister-infused adventure in the park.

CAPRICORN
Evil Rating:
Medium
Capricorns will never scream back when you need them to. If you are foot-poundingly, seethingly furious and just need someone to throw it back in your face, they will take you by the hand and tell you they understand. ARRRGAG!
Redeeming Quality: Adorably prone to laughing at unfunny jokes.

AQUARIUS
Evil Rating:
High
Aquarians will shamelessly describe the glories of their existence for anyone who will listen—often while stroking their hair and striking (what they think) is an alluring pose, all without a drop of irony. Pure evil.
Redeeming Quality: Can get you in anywhere.


PISCES
Evil Rating:
Medium
Worst travelling companion ever. (“Ummmm, you decide. I’m not really committed, so whatever—whatever you prefer …”) x (twenty-one days) x (thirteen countries) x (only two pairs of pants) = one pisces stranded, and beaten, in Laos.
Redeeming Quality: Dances with you on an empty dance floor, when everyone else is too cool.