Register Sunday | June 16 | 2019

Creative Efforts of the Bushes

If we could see below ...

GEORGE HERBERT
English poet,17th century
From “The Foil”

If we could see below
The sphere of virtue, and each 
    shining grace,
As plainly as that above doth show;
This were the better skie, the 
    brighter place.

F. WILLIAM HERBERT
English drollerist, 18th century
From Tittering Maidens & Other Tales, a collection of poems

There once was a man from Trent
Whose scruples were procurable 
    for rent
Whate’er druthers he had
He remained always the cad
In faith, his morals were quite bent

AGATHA HERBERT BUSH
Wife of textile magnate Honus Bush
From The Thanksgiving that (Almost) Wasn’t, a play

A table in the modest home of Francis and Abigail Wainwright. The front door opens, bringing in the dried leaves that are winter’s augur and fall’s lament. Chief Little Bear enters with his braves and their squaws, bearing a bounty of corn, squash and venison. They set their food on the table. Little Bear surveys the room.

First Brave: (distraught) Was their
    offer made in jest?

Little Bear: Unless my own eyes
    deceive me, I fear ’tis true.

Abigail: (offstage) It was as though
    they had been assumed into heaven.

Francis: (offstage) Perhaps their invitation
    was extended in bad faith.

The Wainwrights enter, also bearing corn and other delectables. Everyone looks at each other in surprise.

Francis: But I thought that you…            
    We were just this moment at                           
    your…

Little Bear: Whereas we were under               
    the impression that you…

Lawton Wainwright, age five, pushes his way to the front of the stage.

Lawton: Is it time to eat yet? I’m so
    hungry I could eat a bear!

Little Bear: Might I persuade you to     
    settle for a turkey instead?

Everyone laughs heartily. Curtain. 

GEORGE H. W. BUSH
From Burnished Valor, a novel in progress 

Special operative Champ Goodacre stepped from the taxi and wearily eyed the yellowing façade at 9 Kalashny Street. The place sure brought back memories, he thought to himself. He took a pensive draw on his last Pall Mall and fought back the flood of emotions threatening to burst the dam in his mind. Goodacre knew from experience that the road of regret led straight to a town called Nowhere. “Izvinite,” the cabbie growled, thrusting a grubby palm out the window. “Da,” Goodacre shot back. He knew he was being cheated. If he hadn’t had more important business, he would have invited the cabbie outside to do the polka with his 9-millimeter. He paid, but withheld the tip. “Do svidaniya,” Goodacre grumbled. The taxi sped off into the Moscow night. Just then Goodacre heard a familiar voice. “So, old friend. Which will it be, guns or knives?” The mustachioed visage belonging to Vladimir Shenko emerged from the shadowy alleyway. Goodacre cracked a withering smile. “Knives,” he replied coolly.

GEORGE W. BUSH
Treatment sent to Warner Bros.
Written on the back of a workout sheet.

Got a cool idea for a cartoon or video game. Society girls and straight-A students by day, crime-fighting super twins by night. Code names: J-Rock and Barbizon. They activate their superpowers by touching their wrist corsages together. I think their powers should be firm but nice, like turning alcohol into sports drinks or convincing teenagers to put clothes on. J-Ro and B-Zon work from a command center deep beneath Washington, where they take orders from the Commissioner (who, it turns out, is also their dad!). The Commish is good-hearted but firm, and crushes criminals against his forehead like beer cans. All he has to do is nod and things get done. His archenemy, the Toastmaster, is a mean lying guy in a beret who quotes things no one’s ever heard of and leaves notes about his evil schemes that are impossible to understand. Each episode the Toastmaster overlooks something simple and gets nailed! The Commish should have an official seal, like two doves opening the curtains on a big golden heart.

TILDEN BUSH
High school student
From the Ideas file on his Palm Pilot

Use trust fund to produce movies? Possibilities: Judgment in Van Nuys (Final Battle of the Boy Bands) … “Til Den” I’ll Be Seeing You: Reflections on My First Sixteen Years … North Dallas Forty Double D.