THE MARTIN SHORT—wearing vertical stripes can make you appear taller, tall as the mighty redwoods of the Yukon.
THE CAROB BOO—white clothing over pale skin does not make a good impression. Instead, seek out charcoal and shades of gray, including “timber wolf.” Using color can help you from blinding your southern neighbors with the glare.
THE TORONTO LOG SPLITTER—don’t tuck your undershirt into your underwear for that “just inserted” feel. Instead, wear pants that fit you better.
THE MANITOBA MINI-TUBA—if you have a beer gut, wear a sweater or sweater vest over a button-down shirt. Layers reduce the spare tire that makes your provinces bulge.
THE DUCKING THE ISSUE—if you buy a brightly colored vintage T-shirt, be sure it has no wild animals on it. Slipping it under a formal jacket looks friendly and forward-thinking. What do you think John Buchan meant when he said, “You have to know a man awfully well in Canada to borrow his snowblower”?
THE FREEDOM FART HEART—always wear your maple leaf flag when traveling abroad; if they think you’re an American, you could be forced to act like a total jackass.
THE DELICATE FLEURETTE—if your nostril hair is making a Rapunzel leap downward, it’s time to trim.
The WINNIPEG BUNDY—if you own a baseball cap, shirt or anything else with a gamecock, tarheel or racist cartoon of an Indian, get rid of it. Spend the extra money on a better haircut.
THE MAPLE LEAF RAG—your tie should be higher than your belt buckle. Your tie, belt and the fly of your pants should be aligned like a “Newfie cul-de-sac.”
THE RED GREEN COMEDY SPECIAL—if you die while wearing brown shoes with a blue suit, is it appropriate for the undertaker to switch your head to a body wearing black shoes with a charcoal suit?
THE KING BERTIE—don’t do up the bottom button on your suit jacket. Leave it open and free, like your dating schedule.
THE ETHERNET DIPSWITCH—don’t wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. You’ll look like you’re about to ask “Would you like fries with that?”
THE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION—pants that are too tight for you make Hans Blix cry.