Register Tuesday | June 25 | 2019

Dhe Final Langwej: Kånådo

Move over, Esperanto

Maisonneuve recently received copies of Dhe Taim Uºv Toronto, “Kånådåz Internåsionål Nuzpaper,” and Dhe Kånådo Newsletter, the only newsletter in the world to be printed in kånådo. Kånådo—for those not in the know—is considered by its advocates to be the final step in the evolution of language.

Supporters of kånådo believe that the English language is an “inefisient, autdated, deflated, irregular, feilur-cauzing, distorted, regressiv, retardant, and often replusik” mess and that “linggwistik tranzformasion iz the onli solutio” to the blight of illiteracy.

Some of the rules of this new language: Q and X have been eliminated from the alphabet (“quiet” becomes “kwiet”); silent and unnecessary consonants have been banished (not just “kolor” and “labor,” but also “apruv” and “ajust”); and all conjugational endings in the present tense have been removed (“she go,” “he du think”).

The hope is that this phonetic “latiino-ingglish alfabet” will provide a rational and international mother tongue—one that is spelled like it sounds. Just one question: what does “replusik” mean?

News from the linguistic front lines:

Britan: For sevverål senturies dhe neimv dhe british natio-ståt håv bied misspeled åz ‘Britain’! No liidor, nor skolor, håv propozed å korreksion! It iz taim for dhe Bler-Labor Government tu korrekt dhis linggwistal kriim.

Dhe wrdlz greitest drama, Håmlet (1600), bai dhe wrldz greitest raitor, nau håv bi tranzlataized intu kånådån, for dhe frstik taim . . . [by] dhe Internasionål Union For Kånådån.

Dhe kånådånål långweij håd alred-dikli reiformaized dhe neimesv menniv Kånådåz sitties, suºc åz: Vånkuver, Viktorria, Barri, Belvil, North-Bei, Otawa, Sudburri, Kweibek-Sitti, ets.