Register Wednesday | June 26 | 2019

Get Your Predictions On

Why I'm Wearing A Tool-belt And Up At 6am

Dear Diary,

As my first entry, I'll start with the most obvious question: When is this election going to be called?

I’ve been waiting very patiently for weeks now. I’ve designed my candidate’s signs, leaflets and mailings. I've recruited volunteers, run phone banks, worked 70-hour weeks, come in Sunday mornings, had 8am meetings, painted the campaign office (green, ugh), lifted lumber, washed windows, installed phone lines, networked computers, and set up alarm systems.

When this election is over, I will have enough skills on my resume to apply for positions listed under the “handyman” or “odd jobs” section of the weekly newspaper - and I just may need to if the latest polls are right. But at this point, hammering a rec room together sounds a whole hellufalot better than waiting what could be another five months for an election.

According to the Liberal insider I call “dad”, the election will be held on June 28. The writ will be dropped like a cinder block sometime on the Victoria Day weekend. So, while trying to find people who will donate gigantic coffee makers, I thought I’d try my hand at some idle speculation as it relates to which candidates will be heading to Ottawa on June 29 – or as I like to call it “which Liberals will fuck up so hard that they lose a sure thing?”

Ujjal Dosanjh – the former NDP permier in BC is now a Liberal shill with the parachute still attached to his back. He is hated by people in the Liberal bellweather riding of Vancouver-South, where he is running against long-time women’s rights activist Bev "NDP" Meslo. When I say hated, I mean hated. Loathed. Apparently, any time Ms. Meslo is out canvassing, the vitriolic and seething hate for Ujhal rears its head in the form of large donations to the NDP.

Ed Broadbent – It was discovered that an ancient crater off the coast of Australia may have killed off the dinosaurs. So, the obvious question is: how did the meteorite miss this guy? To be fair though, the Liberals are so scared of him that they’re sending every former NDP member-turned-Liberal to the riding of Ottawa Centre, hoping that they can badger him enough that he breaks his hip on his way to an Ottawa press conference.

Tony Valeri – A friend of mine saw Valeri's picture in Canada’s national newspaper a few months back, when he and the new Liberal establishment were tarring and feathering Sheila Copps. The picture, run on the front page, was reminiscent of Eddie Munster, but older and freakier looking. Anyway, my friend wanted to put that man’s face on a t-shirt with the slogan “Vote Liberal” underneath. Problem is, no one would take the contract. The man is just that ugly. Granted, he’ll win.

Stockwell Day – Does anyone remember this guy? He wore a wet-suit in the Ottawa River for a press op. We should all remember that the Canadian Mint used to pump its sewage into the Ottawa River. Toxic waste plus human contact equals Stockwell Day’s “policy alternatives”. He’ll also win though, because everyone in his riding has most likely also spent large amounts of time bathing in polluted lakes and rivers in Alberta. And those who haven’t have received brain damage from the errand change that Ralph Klein flings at them.

And finally, Paul Martin - in the last election, Paul Martin refused to hold an all-candidates debate. Okay, so one of the other candidates was this guy with a doctorate in Marxism who had nothing better to do than to work as the "staff researcher" for the Concordia Student Union. He pretty much "researched" ways to prove to the students that capitalism was not as good as state-sponsored-socialism. Anyway, this guy got on the NDP ticket. With that ticket, he promptly decided to camp out in front of Paul Martin's campaign office. For weeks, he was out there, and he never got his all-candidates debate.

If Paul Martin knows what's good for him, he'll also stay away from those other squatters, like Duceppe, Layton and Harper. With their help, this election will carve out some interesting regions in Canada: the Conservative/Liberal East Coast, the Bloc Quebec, Liberal Ontario, NDP praries, Brain-damaged Alberta, NDP "lower mainland" BC, Conservative rural BC.

Martin will win Ontario, because having lived in Toronto for most of my life, I've learned one thing: Torontonians are as politically aware as cardboard left to soak in the rain. And Martin will lose Quebec because having lived in Quebec for most of my life, I've learned another thing: Quebecers are really pissed off. And Martin will lose Vancouver, because having lived in Vancouver most of my life, I've learned another thing: the provincial and federal Liberals - although not the same party - really, really, like each other.

I'll just like it when I can stop with all this nonsense and clean old lady McGillucutty's storm drains, or help old man Preston with his VCR hookup. Odd jobs, on June 29, I'm comin' home to ya.

Ryan Atman