Register Wednesday | June 19 | 2019

Oh Lord, give me the strength to survive 36 days with these idiots

Day one of the election begins tomorrow morning

Dear Diary,

Day one of the election (or E-36), begins tomorrow morning at 1p.m. EDT - I just got the email. I've been patiently waiting for this day since April 4, the first day Paul Martin was thinking of dropping the writ.

In the last few days we've had a steady stream of people setting up the campaign office with me. Question: who cannot paint a wall? Answer: volunteers. They mean well, don't get me wrong. But for Geebus's sakes, paint the wall, not the floor, not each other. Paint goes on walls. You roll it on and then you're done. For the next campaign (which, the way things are looking, could be in two years), I'll have a two-hour instructional video called Painting Your Way to a Winning Campaign ready for volunteers.

In other news, the Liberals have been instructed to say "Hi, we're with Team Martin" when they're doing door-to-door canvassing. Is that why they recruited Ken Dryden? To be the coach of this red and rag-tag group? I feel for those poor, poor elderly people who will go to the polls looking for "Team Martin" beside a candidate's name. They may think it is just Alzheimer's setting in. And it will all be due to Paul Martin. Paul Martin causes Alzheimer's.

Tonight, the NDP is holding an evening of "Politics, Passion, and Pamplemousse" or something like that. The campaign kick-off event, called Let's Jack It Up!, is happening on at the Palais Royale tonight in Toronto. Someone help me. Let's Jack It Up!? What the hell does that mean? Friends and I have begun to end every phone conversation with "Alright, I'll talk to you tomorrow. We'll jack it up then." And when we're at the bar, I say, "You want me to jack you up with a beer? You've got to jack it open, though." At least the NDP will benefit from those stupid "I listen to Jack (FM)" radio ads.

A friend of mine reports that Gilles Duceppe's alien-looking face is already hanging from every lamp post in Montreal. I remember those posters from previous elections. His crisp blue eyes stare out into the street, hypnotising you, like they are going to lure you onto some separtist UFO.

And finally, Stephen Harper and his family unveiled his campaign bus the other day. Harper had to grab his eight-year-old son by the shoulders and turn him around so that the kid could find the bus. Is this who we want leading our country?

Back to taking paint off the floor. Only 36 days to go.