Register Sunday | June 16 | 2019

Everybody Calm Down, No One is Dead

We've been thinking that our Sign Coordinator is dead for three days.

Dear Diary,

For three days we've been patiently waiting for our Sign Coordinator to show up. For three days we've been getting sign requests from residents. For three days we've been getting irate calls that people do not have their signs yet. For three days we've been calling our Sign Coordinator, and for three days we've been thinking that he is dead.
He's not. And I can tell, because now that he is back in the office he just talks and talks and talks. Shut up and put some more signs in the ground before I put you in the ground.
And my candidate narrowly avoided an untimely demise. Yesterday he followed me into my office while eating an apple. He went to sit down and take a bite of the apple at the same time. He freaked out when the chair was lower then his ass had judged it to be. He swallowed the piece of apple whole and began to choke as he began to fall. He landed in the chair as his face began to turn the most beautiful Liberal shade of red. Of course, I didn't bother to save him, I just made some stupid remark about how I refuse to run a dead candidate in the election, because dead candidates can't give me patronage appointments when they get elected. Of course, this made him laugh and forced the apple from its position in his throat. Now he's back to talking my ear off whenever the sign guy isn't.

Two people who could very well have been dead yesterday are alive and kicking today. But they may be dead tomorrow.