Register Thursday | June 27 | 2019


Snicker dept

The telecommunications industry is rolling out an exciting new crop of hybrid cellular wonders.



Cell Phone / Dog Whistle
Don’t have anyone to call? Why not try a nearby dog? When you press a button on the side of this phone, the receiver emits a ululating whine—silent to the human ear—that has been programmed by experts to play a high-frequency canine version of Cher’s “Believe.”

Cell Phone / Infinite Jest
This cell phone is also David Foster Wallace’s much-celebrated, po-mo, footnote-filled, thousand-page tome, Infinite Jest. A new chapter has been added in which Wallace writes about writing about selling his soul to Nokia. The twelve-pound phone also comes in a lighter paperback edition.

Cell Phone / Loving Relationship
The latest from Samsung, this phone simulates a loving relationship for those too busy to see actual people. The phone calls every few hours to share a funny joke from the morning paper, remind you to pick up milk, talk about a dream it had last night or just to tell you it loves you. It also occasionally phones and acts terse and withdrawn, and annoyed that you aren’t home enough, but always calls back an hour later and promises to “never fight again.”

Cell Phone / Sense of Entitlement
For today’s rising captains of industry. Ever been caught phoneless while bathing in golden bathtubs of champagne or eating seared panda meat? Not anymore. Propose yet another toast to capitalism on this diamond-encrusted cell phone made exclusively from the milk teeth of attractive orphans. Badda-bing!