Register Tuesday | June 25 | 2019

The Future Perfect

Big-business horoscopes

ARIES There’s no nice way to put this, Aries: You’re a git. You’re petulant, obtuse and illogical. Try to get a job in sales, where your competitive nature and insipid charm can dominate. Make sure that you’re backed by a team that will carry the balance of responsibility—you are, after all, allergic to foresight. If you have any free time, go back to kindergarten; try to reap the benefits the second time round.

TAURUS Simply put, you are a routine-monger and unfit to rule. Middle management would be your destiny but for one thing: you love money and often appear richer than you really are. This ability, when channelled into accounting or the financial sector, can unleash a great but tortoise-paced business mind. Of course, the responsibilities of power may interfere with your Hockey Night in Canada schedule. My advice: work from home and keep playing the lottery.

GEMINI You are quick, intelligent and two-faced—perfect for the business world. You size up situations in advance, then control them before they’ve occurred. People would call you a bastard if they had any notion of what had happened. Ironically, however, many Geminis pursue low-salary paths of language and learning. But that’s okay. You can borrow money from friends and convince them it’s an investment in their own peace of mind.

CANCER Are you still sitting around your apartment, powerless and snacking? Face it, you’re a sentimental sap. Caring for other people is getting you exactly nowhere. Stop focusing on moralistic minutiae and try to see the big picture: you’re highly creative but you’re lazy, there’s nothing good on TV and, of all the Zodiac signs, you’re the one most likely to end up on welfare. It’s time to get off the couch.LEO Okay, divas, calm down. We all know you want money, power and everything else. The good news is you usually have the goods to back up all your self-aggrandizing. The bad news is we can’t stand you. You work hard, look good and have the confidence to put on a good show. Big business needs you. Now shut up.

VIRGO Ah, Virgo. Underneath that fountain of fussing and nagging lies a logical, lovely, earthy mind. Business, for you, is a kindly thing, so don’t worry about ascending to “big” business. Your power rises from the lower levels—the low people are your people. Nature is on your side and money will be steady if you can surround yourself with positive circumstances. Take a job in greenery and you’ll never be happier.

LIBRA The only corporate role for you, Libra, is as a romantic file clerk or as a secretary with Fear of Flying stashed in your top drawer. You need every single detail to make a decision, and big business will never move at your much-needed harmonious pace. Keep in the creative and conversational fields; you will find wealth by asserting your diplomacy, not your personal opinion. We could all die waiting for that.

SCORPIO “It’s not personal, it’s business” is Scorpio’s mantra. You are to be respected and feared, especially at this time of year when the stars align in your favour. Try to channel this wealth into your great capacity for love, strength and positive accomplishment. Remember: you are the perfect candidate to mastermind a coup, but revenge is a meal best served cold.SAGITTARIUS You rock the business world. Your warmth, charm and candour have people deferring to you in all facets of life. There are many entries on your to-do list, though, so stay on target. Your short attention span will not be appealing in the big game, nor will your I’ll-be-back promises or your closet full of ornate shoes. Power is at hand, Sagittarius; take your Ritalin and focus on all your unfulfilled pledges before the year runs out.

CAPRICORN No business could run smoothly without you, Capricorn, as there is no one more mulishly loyal. Your obsession with duty, however, keeps you in a small pool. Small pools only have pennies on their bottoms, and the ones you’ve picked up are likely in your sock drawer. This is your empowering time of year—use it to cover the whole cheque just once. No one loves a miser.

AQUARIUS Your intelligence is undefined, your interactions seem superficial and you have little capacity for real love. Take comfort in your joviality and attractiveness. Find a career based on change, communication and social interaction, and you will excel. Like your wafting planet, Neptune, you only make sense if placed on a long timeline. If you lay off the expensive status symbols, money and power will find you. But do stop glamorizing. You look tawdry.

PISCES Poor little flake. As a Pisces, you want to go in all directions at all times. Whether happy or sad, you are just dying to rebel. You will achieve neither power nor wealth until you straighten up and assert yourself. You are a creative and warm-hearted creature, but sadly you succeed only in being influenced. Do not align yourself with Aries or Leo, as you will only become fodder for their vanity. Find yourself a good Scorpio, just like your mother told you.