Illustrations by Raymond Biesinger

KIM JONG IL, 63
Referred to as “Dear Leader” by his North Korean citizens, despite contributing to crippling famine. Is four inches shorter than Napoleon. May or may not have nuclear capabilities.

PRINCESS MARGARET, 71 (DECEASED)
Chain-smoking sister of Queen Elizabeth. May have snorted cocaine. Gave her support to the Brownies.

REVEREND SUN MYUNG MOON, 84
Met Jesus on a Korean mountainside, then started a cult, founded the Washington Times and redeemed the souls of Stalin and Hitler (who have been reborn in him). Was crowned “humanity’s Saviour, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent” on Capitol Hill.

PARIS HILTON, 23
Epicurean heiress. Had sex on tape.

Twice.

SAPARMYRAT NIYAZOV, 64
Turkmenistan’s president-for-life ordered construction of a $22 million
US ice palace in his desert nation. Insisted that questions about his personal philosophy be put on driving tests. Banned beards.

MARGARET THATCHER, 79
“The most unpopular prime minister since polls began” won three majority governments by decimating labour unions and Scotland. Went to war to maintain iron grip on sheep-studded islands..