Register Thursday | June 20 | 2019

The Future Perfect

Maisonneuve's astrologist foretells your summer vacation

 

ARIES
There's only one place for a megalomaniac like you: MountEverest. The aggression that rankles everyone at sea level will pushyou ever upward. Just keep your terrified tongue in check, and don'tberate your Sherpa. He knows the mountains well. Your body will neverbe found.


TAURUS
Ever the anal explorer, you plan yourvacations down to the second. Try Switzerland: you'll love their trainstations. But you, Taurus, are there for the booty. Remember that sexshould be sensual, not efficient. Leave some skin on the natives. Theyneed it for protection.


GEMINI
Stasis is a Gemini's worstnightmare. No lazy suntanning for you; the tumbling dice of Vegas aremore your style. Happily plied with stimulants, you can test all yourdeliciously grotesque theories about the human condition. You'll comeback with a grin... and maybe an STD.


CANCER
Early summerwas meant for you, Cancer. Bask. Embrace your salad days with thefervour you usually reserve for nothingness. While you're at it,embrace your lover on an anonymous tropical beach and romance yoursappy heart out. Just remember to come home-you'd stay forever if itwere up to you.


LEO
Since you love to discover the new"it" spot before anyone else, no one can predict where you'll land.While you're there, schmooze if you must, but do try to keep the lyingto a minimum. You think it's interesting. Everyone else thinks you'rean ass.


VIRGO
The Virgo vacation is built on ease. Go toBarbados, planning nothing in advance: it will be the perfectcomplement to your simple heart. Talk nonsense to the locals. Thelaid-back life will leave you with nothing to complain about. Finally.


LIBRA
Fordithering Libra, all-inclusive is the way to go. Unless your bases arecovered, you will obsess yourself right off your island of calm. ASouth Pacific resort would be best-all you'll need is a pulse. You're aromantic, so either bring a lover or lure one in along the way.


SCORPIO
Youare energetic and insatiable, Scorpio. Pack up the latex and theleather and invest your ADD where it belongs: an elaborateinternational booty call. Ten cities in ten nights. Begin in Oslo forthe best of luck.


SAGITTARIUS
Charming devil that youare, you can make the most dangerous Australian outback adventure seemperfectly reasonable. But beware: you are easily tempted by unwisechallenges. Do not say "okay" if someone dares you to box a kangaroo.


CAPRICORN
Allwork and no play, you just can't seem to relax, poor bastard. Try acosmopolitan capital like Vienna where you can follow your guidebooklike a religion. All I ask is that you try to squeeze in somespontaneous fun. It'll only hurt for a second.


AQUARIUS
You'reso overspent, Aquarius, that you've earned the Garbo Getaway. Buy someoversized sunglasses, a carton of B&H 100s, a bottle of gin thesize of your torso and a few cats. Unplug your phone. Lock your doors.Disappear into the rapturous embrace of your own thoughts. The onlything missing is your need to be important. Slip out for a few hours,allow yourself to be recognized, then come home and completely relax.


PISCES
Swimming,dancing, canoeing, horseback riding, lounging, dingo wrestling, candlemaking, seal clubbing, hiking, meeting new people, drinking your liverinto a pulpy mess, parasailing. You want to do everything at once. Try.But avoid developing countries-your guilty conscience will have youbuilding irrigation projects all summer long.