Register Monday | June 17 | 2019

Ask the Indian

Post-colonial advice, minus the bullshit

Is the white man causing you stress? Are you stressed about being white? I wanna help you people deal with it "in a good way."

Dear Mr. Indian,

Is there any way to clean a dream catcher? My Swiffer takes care of the cobwebs no problem, but I keep having an annoying flashback from my high school days. You know the dream where you're standing in the hallway naked and everyone is pointing at you and laughing? It's obviously caught in the sacred web, but the sun is not burning it up in the morning like the instructions on the package promised.

Signed,

Hopelessly Entangled

Hey Hopeless,

That's what you get for buying a sweatshop dream catcher that was probably made in Taiwan. Everybody knows a real dream catcher holds good dreams in the web and lets the bad ones escape through the hole in the middle. Guess what? I must have a defective dream catcher too. I keep having this scary dream where I'm living peacefully at one with nature in a verdant paradise, then all of a sudden a bunch of smelly people show up spreading their germs. Next thing I know, my family is wiped out, the land is polluted and there's a nasty horde of ignorant foreigners running my life. It's very "annoying." Just be glad the only thing you have to feel anxious and vulnerable about is standing bare ass in a high school hallway, White Man. Your people STOLE MY DAMN CONTINENT!! And I can tell you, there's no magic, string-and-twig, kitschy cure for that waking nightmare either.

Onenki!

The Indian

Dear Indian,

I am a stacked blonde female of Dutch descent and I want to learn the ways of your people. Why is it that when I am out and about at the powwow with my Lakota Sioux boyfriend, all the Indian women give me dirty looks? Last weekend one even threatened to beat the "colonialism" out of me. I just don't understand.

Signed,

Purrfect But Pouting

Hey Baby,

Dirty looks and beating up are the ways of my people! But I don't get Native women either. I mean, sure, they're beautiful with their brown skin and dark eyes and all, and they're really strong and smart for having to put up with so much crap from us guys, but does that give them the right to get up in my face, poke at my gut, laugh at my mullet? And all the time nagging: "You haven't been home in three days, where were you?" "Get a job yet?" "You want me to do what? You sicko!" My social worker says I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder due to multigenerational oppression. I need someone in my life who can work with that. But women like you are angels-buck-struck angels with big boobs and perfect hair who give us our space, and your money. Those Indian women at the powwow are just jealous because your boyfriend is one less Indian man they can boss around. And probably 'cause, if he's anything like me, he's all over you right out in the open like smooth peanut butter on a nice white cracker.

Yours,

The Indian

Never mind the bullshit, send your questions to Tai and he'll get right back to you with a dose of the truth! Email [email protected]