O.K. so I am at one of those trying to get healthy, turn over a new leaf kind of phases. I have started training and yogaing seriously. Doing a twelve day D-tox cleanse and sorting through the papers and tasks that have been avoided for months. Fun, fun - not really. I feel better but I miss indulgence.

I tried this morning though. The rainy weather provided me with the perfect excuse for taking the morning off and having an extended breakfast with an old friend. Only I couldn't eat the eggs, sausages, hashbrowns or drink the coffee. It seems like a perfect metaphor for my friend and I. My breakfast buddy is also a dancer but is about as opposite to me as you can get. She's an extrovert that gets noticed and I'm an introvert that feeds on time alone and shines intermittently. We have had pretty equal success, come from the same place and are the same age. So we can relate but have a pretty opposite perspective on the place we are at. Which is thirty in a profession that basically ends sometime before forty. To get serious or stay light, that is the question?

"The tiresome believe they are serious because they lack humor." - Anton Kuh

Basically, I worked my ass off all winter performing, writing grants, producing a show, improvising and choreographing. Cut out the vices (mostly) that I always thought were holding me back, stayed true to love and buckled down at work. My friend has been travelling, socialising, having affairs & fun, and working some. Can't say I am jealous of her because I have been there too. It's more confusion about what will actually lead to happiness. I miss having a tight circle of friends, going dancing to good music, drinking and smoking too much. Ii was a lot more fun. Don't now whether I was just younger and more naive in the past, or whether I have to seriously lighten up now. See through illusions that used to fool me but have yet to find new excitement to take the place of crushes, gossip, altered states and goofing off.

I am not sure what performing means anymore. It is all narcissism. Do we just want attention. What do audiences get from abstract modern dance. I think it does add beauty to the world but not all the time. I know that the way I am learning to use my body now is engaging and makes me feel alive. I feel better being healthier and creating fewer dramas but I am less entertained. Does creativity comes from misbehaving or at least having time to play. I want to take off travelling and fuel up on adventures and at the same time I want to train hard and create innovative work. Guess it is all about continuing to stretch and expose yourself to new uncomfortable risks and letting the good vibes seep in at the same time. This blog is an interesting forum for that but for now I have had enough of this motivational monologue.

Can't wait to start working on the Vertice collective's project and move into our new loft. Then I will have an outlet and a chance to make connections and work with other people. I also can't wait till Saturday night and the end of the cleanse. I see much wine and chocolate in my future and a greasy breakfast the next day.

"Perhaps all pleasure is relief." - William S. Burroughs

E. Fly out here turning over leaves

 * Quotes thanks to Persiflage

Ciao,                                                                                                                                                                                                                E.