"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn't deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism. You have been given a mandate. We the people expect your voice to be like the clear and certain sound of a trumpet. Because you seek the Lord daily, we who know the Lord will follow that kind of voice eagerly.

Don't equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you.

Had your opponent won, I would have still given thanks, because the Bible says I must (I Thessalonians 5:18). It would have been hard, but because the Lord lifts up whom He will and pulls down whom He will, I would have done it. It is easy to rejoice today, because Christ has allowed you to be His servant in this nation for another presidential term. Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government. You have four years—a brief time only—to leave an imprint for righteousness upon this nation that brings with it the blessings of Almighty God." - Bob Jones III, of Bob Jones University

Paging, Bob Jones. Paging Bob Jones. Hi, it's me, the omnipotent Lord your God. I hate to break it to you, but I really don't care about American politics. If you must know, I was just in Africa, holding a dying child in my arms as it passed on from AIDS. It didn't matter to me, the Lord, that he was a pagan, I just didn't want the child to suffer. I wanted him to know there was a better place.

I'd like to clear up one misconception, while I have you on the line. How do I put this delicately? Um... I don't vote. I never have. I'm God. Voting is beneath me. You know when parents say they don't favor one child over the other, they love all their children equally. Do you see what I'm getting at, Bob? I was just as proud of my George as I was of my John.

So the next time you want to spout off about my message, or the gross perversion of my message you seem to have crafted to suit your own needs, I'd like to ask you a favor.

Take a second. Breathe in. And then don't. Just don't. Because, and this is something you seem to understand when ill befalls you, but you casually ignore when you choose to read whatever you want into my supposed words. I work in mysterious ways. The enormity of my plan is so far beyond you that I'm not even going to waste my time here. You won't get it. You never have, but you really wouldn't if I sat down and tried to explain it to you. It's not your fault, it's just that I'm divine. Perfect. You're kind of human.

I'd appreciate if you'd take my name out of the political sphere. Really I'd appreciate it if you'd stop talking for me all together. You demean the enormity of me with every tiny uncomprehending and small minded word. But I know you won't. Because you missed my most important message.

Honor the Lord your God. And Love Thy Neighbor as you Love Thyself.

I have to go now. Don't bother calling back. You never knew where to look for me in the first place.