Register Tuesday | June 18 | 2019

In the Words of the Great Bill Hicks

The offbeat comedian's best quotes.

So between Christmas parties, friends stopping by and working well past the time when the clock rolls over to create a new day (I highly recommend trying this some time, it is so choice) it has been a rough week.

I got a little shell shocked last week and it's been harder than I thought to get back into the mindset I have about posting here. I also just got pissed. About everything. I'll explain that in a future post. I will return to my regular postings, but not as soon as perhaps you would hope.

I am taking a holiday, from Dec. 22 through the New Year. I plan on detoxing and starting a book I've had in my head for a few years. I just never wanted to write it until I was confident my words would match the story. I think that time has arrived, so I'm going to spend the holiday cranking out pages and seeing what I can make of them. Plus, I have three other book ideas that have crammed their way into my head, so I need to create space. Hopefully I can gain some momentum over the holiday and just keep writing it when I return to work.

But until the 05, please don't expect the regular output of posts. I will try to post something at least once a week, but cannot promise anything. I hope you understand.

However (and isn't there always a however?) it came to my attention that yesterday was Bill Hicks birthday. The great Bill Hicks. The brilliant Bill Hicks. The pissed off Bill Hicks. I fucking love Bill Hicks.

In the spirit of his birthday, I leave you for the week with a series of quotes, found on this phenomenal website ( Hope you're all well. I'll check in next week, but hope all are well and safe and living and moving. As he says in my favorite quote of his: It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

Peace. Take from here, Mr. Hicks.


  • You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well...we looked at the receipts."
  • I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane...Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun". "Mister, I don't want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble mister." "Pick up the gun." Boom, boom. "You all saw him. He had a gun."
  • You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
  • "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "Uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be...fuckin' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha HA."
  • The war on drugs to me is absolutely phony, it's so obviously phony, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.
  • Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
  • A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks - you think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know?
  • The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and its fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..." And we... kill those people. Ha ha "Shut him up." "We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus murdered; Martin Luther King murdered; Malcolm X murdered; Gandhi murdered; John Lennon murdered; Reagan.... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.
  • The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you've been great.
  • You gotta bear with me, I'm very tired, very tired of traveling, and very tired of doing comedy, and very tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening.
  • I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punch lines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
  • Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
  • Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.
  • Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
  • It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
  • I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.
  • You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause You know what the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs... The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.
  • I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me:
  • "Hey, whatchoo readin' for?" Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading for? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
  • Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
  • I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)
  • They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
  • I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
  • Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."
  • Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
  • We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
  • You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?
  • I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
  • What do atheists scream when they come?
  • I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live...and shut your fucking mouth.
  • I was over in Australia and everyone's like 'Are you proud to be an American?' And I was like, 'Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all. You know, I was in the spirit realm at that time, going 'FUCK IN PARIS! FUCK IN PARIS!' but they couldn't hear me, because I didn't have a mouth. I was a spirit without lungs or a mouth, or vocal cords. They fucked here. Okay, I'm proud.'
  • I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.' 'Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!'
  • I don't understand anything so there you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man, that's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time, I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day...I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do: WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, and DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS...Then, you look out your window... {makes cricket noises} "Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: 'By 1992, we will all die of AIDS; read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!'" I'm writing Jane Fonda: 'Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?' I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: "Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports."
  • "I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust."
  • (To an audience member) "How much do you smoke, sir? A pack a day? Why don't you just put on a dress and swish around ... I go through two lighters a day."
  • (In a child's voice) "Mommie, I found a Lincoln Log in my sock drawer." (imitating the mother) "That's the story of Jesus."
  • On Gideons: "Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the fuckin' world, putting bibles in hotel rooms! I'm gonna capture a Gideon."
  • "Not all drugs are good. Some... Are great."
  • "It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it."
  • "Yeah you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink orange drink." - Bill Hicks, after being asked to do an advertisement for orange drink..
  • "The rock stars today who don't do drugs and who in fact speak out against drugs - We're rock against drugs! ... Boy, they suck."
  • "'Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children.' Fuck that. When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked. I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want someone who plays from his fucking heart."
  • "One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto."
  • "If you're so pro-life, and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, and is very unwanted, and very alone, and needs someone to take care of it and get it out of a horrible situation. And people say 'Well, why don't you do that?' and I say 'Cause I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less'".
  • On anti-drug television advertising: "How dare you have a wino tell me not to use drugs?"
  • "I admit it, I see that commercial and I feel cheated. Where's the shit that makes eggs look like brains? What is that, CIA stash?"
  • "The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?"