If Your Phone Is On, Your Bank Is Open
 —from a billboard advertisement

If a tree falls in a forest, a rat chews through the skull of a newborn in Bihar. If you notice a suspicious person, dew drops on a black-eyed Susan.
If the right president is elected, two boys kiss under a white sheet.
In the event of an emergency, the toad hides under the leaf.

If you must smoke, please do so in a red dress with a tattoo of the Chinese character “forgiveness” on your thigh as you tickle my sleeping eyelids.

If it weren’t for you meddling kids, does it make a sound? If your bank is open, she cuts herself shaving.
If I had known how little time we had, maybe. Then again, if I could do it all again, the cat still crosses the highway. 

Autobiography

The bomb and the raindrop overlapped ...