Illustration by Michael C. Hsiung.

“I’m in a band.” This is possibly the least interesting thing you can say, a sure-fire conversation-killer. If the person you’re talking to wants to hear about your band, you probably shouldn’t talk to that person at all. People in bands are dull—just not as dull as those who are into other people’s bands.

You are in a band and so is everyone you know. I’m in a band—there, I said it. Odds are your band is not very good. (Mine certainly isn’t.) If the conversation about your band has survived this long, the next step is struggling to describe your sound. You might have a tough time pinning down a specific genre or influence. This is an excellent way to reveal that you play abstract noise-pop, of the sort that is currently fashionable. More impressive, however ...